Author: Clare

Author of dark fiction. Librarian. Intergalactic hitwoman. Horror Writers Association member. Keep it weird.

Free through October 23rd!

What Lies Within is free through October 23rd! You don’t need a Kindle. You can read the book on your phone. Click here to download the app for your smartphone.

I’m only running this promotion for a limited time. After the 23rd, the price will go back up.

A favor: if you read it, review it! Reviews are much appreciated!

Have a wonderful weekend and happy reading.

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News!

I’m just as weird in person. Join me and other indie authors at the East Baton Rouge Parish Main Library on October 14th from 12-5 p.m.! There will be a panel discussion followed by book signings. I’ll have print copies of What Lies Within and RARE print copies of Second Skin!

I’m almost done editing my crow shapeshifter novel. Date TBA.

Later, y’all.

Climbing out of the downward spiral

I have to say, being on Prozac has helped dramatically. I was originally prescribed five (!) different meds, but am now down to just one. I don’t even have to take Buspar for anxiety. Relief!

NOW! On to the truth about how I got on these in the first place: depression and anxiety go hand in hand for many people, and I was no exception. I had the occasional zing of anxiety, but it got much worse over the past two years or so.

I was in a pretty good place up until then, publishing regularly, writing daily, traveling, just enjoying life…until I heard about my cousin, Darryl.

Well, first, I felt a horrific pang of dread one night during Mardi Gras. It got worse during the night, so much so that I got up and cried in the bathroom. I had no idea what was wrong, but this happened to me several times before when someone close to me died.

The next morning, I got the call from Dad: Darryl, my cousin, had committed suicide.

How many of you have had a terrible feeling that someone died, and it turned out to be true?

Like me, Darryl had to take care of a sick parent. Like me, he didn’t take it so well when their illness took over. I knew how he felt. I went through the same thing with my mom, so seeing him so upset over his dad really got to me.

This and several other issues led him to take his life. But why was I given this flash of dread? Was it to warn me? Make me try to reach out to him?

I still don’t really know, and I’m still trying to make peace with it.

Losing my grandfather was also a real blow, and seeing my grandmother slide further into dementia isn’t easy, either.

But, this is life. You lose people you love and you go forward and do the best you can. It is nice to know, though, that there is a nice little pill I can pop until I work out all this yuckyness–and something that helps me focus on my writing and work.

Prozac and Buspar: A Love Story

Ah, the crazy creative stereotype. I know that by chatting with some folks on Twitter, many of us are not immune to it. I’ve talked to plenty of other writers who suffer from mental illness. I’m one of them.

It’s hard to write, but it’s a part of me. Anxiety is a real bitch, and so is depression. It’s gotten to the point where it’s tough to manage with just diet, exercise and GABA supplements, so off to the psychiatrist I went, merrily (?) trotting into the building to see what he could prescribe for the panic attacks I was having that jolted me out of a dead sleep.

To put things rather bluntly, the past few months have been tricky to navigate. And I haven’t been writing or painting lately.

I loaded myself up with extra work late last year, and my left eyelid started twitching to the point where it was completely CLOSING shut. I was told it was a combination of eye strain, stress, and caffeine.

Really? That’s the story of my life.

So it went on non-stop. And I was afraid people were taking notice.

I went to the eye doctor and he jabbed me with 3 CCs of Botox. Botox. Yes. It was bizarre. But I have to say, it worked. I felt really strange going into the clinic and saying I’d do it–here I am, sneaking up on 40, but I have no concern for wrinkles (I don’t care, and I’m not judging you if you do)–I just wanted my damn eyelid to stop twitching.

There are many, many family things going on as well, but I won’t get into all of them. The saddest is that my brother will be leaving after he finishes his PhD. I’m happy for him. I left after I finished my degree, and he should, too. The world needs someone like him, his genius, his creativity, and his strange sense of humor. I will miss him, though. Luckily, he’ll be a short flight away.

Our dear friends also left to move up north. I’m also happy for them, but will miss them dearly. Luckily, Mardi Gras will be calling them back…

I’m at a crossroads with career things, too. The next few months will decide my next steps in life. Should be interesting.

I was on a few pills back in the day: Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Ambien, and Buspar…the only thing that worked was the Buspar. So he prescribed that for panic attacks, and Prozac for depression.

It is still not easy to admit, and it’s not easy to *take* this stuff, because that puts the writing on the wall: I’m nuts. I’m not thrilled about being on it. But I would be thrilled if I could just get my creativity back. I’m not so sure I believe medication drains your creativity. I suppose I’ll let myself find out as time goes on and my affair with meds goes deeper.

The medication is helping, I think.

Hell, I even wrote a little and painted a little last night. Is that what life is about? I had forgotten.

Anxiety: a True Story

Perhaps you were waiting for me to finish my horror movie lists, perhaps you were not. Either way, I’ve been neglecting writing altogether. That’s because I’ve been neglecting my health, and it caught up to me.

Allow me to vent for a moment. I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was first diagnosed with general anxiety disorder at age 22, and it has waxed and waned throughout my life. It always peaks around the holidays. That’s because I run the risk of running into my attackers from childhood, so I generally stay out of town or just hide out this time of year. Works wonders.

This time around, though, I’ve been having nightly panic attacks, chest pains, eyelid twitching and general pain. The problem with me and physical symptoms is that I often ignore them. Not good, I know. So, I am taking time off of work, scheduling doctor’s appointments, and doing other things to lessen my anxiety.

The only thing I can tell you is that if you suffer from anxiety, you’re not alone. Make sure to eat well and exercise (that’s one of the best things for me, honestly, and my gym is only a mile away!), and most importantly, surround yourself with good people. I’m fortunate to have a wonderful, understanding partner and the family I do keep around is very loving.

Anyway, I’ll be writing the horror movie posts soon–any time is a good time to watch horror flicks, not just Halloween. šŸ˜‰

Stay spooky and healthy.

xoxo